


I'm Addicted (Beautiful Poison)

by HouseElfMagic



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, philip-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 18:10:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8906692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HouseElfMagic/pseuds/HouseElfMagic
Summary: He thinks he gets it now, why his mom likes her drugs. He hadn’t understood before, how you could love something that caused you so much harm. Because he didn’t think of his mom like a drug, because he couldn’t.But Lukas? Lukas was a beautiful poison, and Philip knew he was addicted.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for the angst.  
> Wrote this after the finale because I already miss this show.  
> Trigger warning: makes references to unhealthy relationships and/or being in an unhealthy relationship

He thinks he gets it now, why his mom likes her drugs. He hadn’t understood before, how you could love something that caused you so much harm. Because he didn’t think of his mom like a drug, because he couldn’t.

But Lukas? Lukas was a beautiful poison, and Philip knew he was addicted.

The thing about addiction is that you always want another fix. Even in the midst of this one, you’re craving more. You can’t stop thinking about the drug, imagining its power flooding your veins.

You want more, more, more.

You want _him_.

Lukas Waldenbeck, with his bleached blond hair, windswept from motocross. With his sunshine smile, revealing crooked teeth. With his infectious laughter.

But also with his pain, his anger, his issues. Lukas Waldenbeck is not perfect. He’s violent, and afraid, and he lashes out, lashes out at Philip.

Philip’s heard of toxic relationships, where one person is completely screwed over by the other. But Philip isn’t one of those; he loves Lukas, regardless of if Lukas loves him back, but the time he shares with Lukas is enough.

He has to believe it will be enough.

He knows when Lukas kisses him that this could be the last kiss. Every time, a voice in Philip’s mind whispers it, warning him.

Philip can’t _stop_ though.

So he pushes forward, deepening the kiss.

_Last chance, last chance, last chance_.

Philip silences the voices with a kiss and imagines a flood of water, leaving just himself and Lukas, and the rest of the world can just disappear.

He knows how thin Lukas’s fuse is. How easily he gives in to Rose, to his father, to his own imaginings.

Philip had never known that level of internalized homophobia, so he gets it, but he doesn’t _get_ it.

He’s obsessed with a boy that prioritizes him last. Philip doesn’t want to be the last person on the list, but god does he feel thankful to even be on Lukas’s list.

Even when Lukas turns in the gun, Philip knows it’s not enough. Knows he’s not enough, will never be enough for such a closeted case.

For now, he will lie to himself and pretend it’s enough, that he is okay, that this will not be the last time, that he is fine, that he is just _fine._

Philip Shea is addicted to Lukas Waldenbeck.

But he is a beautiful poison.

Yeah, he understands addiction now.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment


End file.
